Alyssa and Erica were roommates in their university’s hostel and had been friends for quite some time.
One day, Alyssa came back to the room and found that someone had eaten up her noodles. She questioned Erica about it and Erica answered that she didn’t know what had happened to the noodles and suggested sarcastically that it could have probably been eaten by her friend who had just visited her and thought the noodles was hers when Erica was out at some point of the visit. Erica then offered to buy something back for Alyssa. Alyssa did not seem very happy with the apology and just kept quiet.
A short while later, Patrick, Alyssa’s boyfriend came into the room and Alyssa began to tell loudly to Patrick what had just transpired. She wasn’t very courteous of her words and her words seemed to be directed to Erica instead. After Patrick left the room, they had a big tiff and it ended with Alyssa storming off the room. Erica thought that her friend’s incident was a small incident and thus was shocked that Alyssa reacted in such a way.
Later, Alyssa came back and started to ignore Erica. Erica thought that she had already tried to patch things up with Alyssa by suggesting that she bought back the noodles for her and when she saw Alyssa’s attitude, she couldn’t care less too.
After a few days, their friends knew what happened and tried to mediate but to no avail. Later, Erica knew that Alyssa had actually been tolerating her behavior for quite some time and was in a bad mood that eventful morning. Thus, when Alyssa sarcastically answered her questions, she felt offended and this could have been what sparked off the entire tiff. Erica wondered why Alyssa never confronted her about her unhappiness and their friends told her, Alyssa mentioned she did but it was no use. Their friends suggested that maybe Alyssa did give subtle hints but Erica did not notice it.
Both was not willing to end the “war” and their friends were stuck in the middle, not knowing how to help them anymore.
What should Alyssa, Erica or their friends do in this situation?
Hello Cuishan!
ReplyDeleteReading your blog post reminded me of my stay in hall two semesters ago, where I had to bunk in with someone whom I didn't know at all. The initial weeks of hall stay was indeed hard as we had to tolerate the different habits we both had. Although most of these differences were really minor, staying together really amplified these differences. For instance, while I am less tolerant of heat and preferred to have the fan spinning at top speed, she was one who was less tolerant of the cold and preferred to have the fan spinning at a lower speed.
However, it turned out to be a pretty refreshing experience. We eventually got used to each other habits (and lived happily ever after). Anyway, the point that I am trying to say is that, I feel that Alyssa and Erica should both take some time off to think about the episode and then find a time to thrash things out. After all, if they had to live together, instead of living in constant anger and frustration, acknowledging and respecting these differences could enable them to live together in harmony.
In addition, I personally feel that their friends should not mediate but instead, let Alyssa and Erica resolve this conflict themselves. Mediation from friends could be a double-edged sword. Ideally, mediation could solve their problems, but this is however not always the case. Most of the time, mediation would only make the situation even worse because both Alyssa and Erica are able to "transmit" their intentions without having to talk to one another. Furthermore, from what we have learnt about effective communication, the presence of intermediates in relaying the message could have caused distortion to the actual intentions.
An anonymous quote reads, "Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding," and I cannot agree more to that. Interpersonal conflicts can be prevented or resolved harmoniously through understanding, tolerance, and not letting our emotions (anger) rule our thoughts. :)
Cheers,
Qianwen.
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ReplyDeleteHi Cuishan,
ReplyDeleteI stayed in a double room last year with a girl from China. We were good friends who joined the same committees in hall and spent the entire summer holiday working together before we became room mates.
Although we are quite close friends, there were times that we had conflicts as we come from different backgrounds and different cultures. Sometimes it was not because of the things we did that pissed the other party off, but it was the mood state we were in that actually resulted in the miscommunication.
Looking back at those days, I found out that things could be easier if both of us could control our emotions better and think from the other party's point of view. Nevertheless, I learned a lot from the experience (of having a room mate) and we could communicate better after spending a year and sorting things out together.
Therefore I believe it is possible for Alyssa and Erica to mend their relationship if they have a heart-to-heart talk instead of keeping everything to themselves.
If I were their friends, I might persuade them to take the initiative to solve the problem as it is really sad to see 2 close friends of mine having a "war".
Mei :)
Hi Cuishan!
ReplyDeleteI have never stayed in the same room as anyone other than my sister (who can get pretty annoying at times), so I thought I could try offer some insight from an outsider's point of view.
Even though both were unwilling to end the "war", I think they do not really have a choice. After all, they are "living" together. Wouldn't it be hard to avoid someone who's constantly there?
Either party should make the first move to initiate a discussion about this "war". Even though nobody wants to "admit defeat" here, I think one of them can just start with a small gesture such as buying some snacks to share? This will help ease the tension between the both of them which would help in providing a better environment to discuss their differences. In talking about it, it is important to filter their words so as to avoid misinterpretation for sarcasm or insincerity as well.
I'm not sure how their friends can help exactly, but the best they can do is to remain neutral and not take sides. Instead, listen to what both parties have to say with an open mind, and try to avoid getting involved. They most definitely do not want this "war" to grow.
Amelia
Hello Qianwen, Mei and Amelia :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your inputs! From the comments, I too believe that either Alyssa or Erica should take the initiative to talk with each other and resolve their misunderstandings. Like what Amelia had said, since they are roommates, they dont really have a choice but to end this "war" as soon as possible. Wouldnt it be awkward to have to constantly avoid someone who you will have to meet and live with everyday?
Initially i thought that friends would be a good mediator in this kind of situation. But after reading the comments from Qianwen and Mei, mediations from friends could aggravate the situation more. It is still better to let Alyssa and Erica talk through their feelings and problems face to face rather than have to convey everything through their friends.
Things will sometimes get quite complicated when you are living with someone especially people of different backgrounds and cultures. However, we can practise what we have learnt in this course to communicate with him/her better. Communication is not the only key to have a nice relationship with our roommate, we must also be tolerant and understand that different cultures or people have different ways of doing stuffs. I, for one, am very grateful that I have a very nice and understanding roommate :)